A is for Aches and pains. At least that's what you think – at first. You must have slept funny, thrown something out, overdone your workout. Eventually it hits you that when the yoga teacher asks about everybody's 'tweakies' at the beginning of class, you always have something to report. Because A, as it turns out, is for arthritis.
B is for Belly. There's a reason they call it 'middle' age. The same reason you can't see your toes in the shower. And it's not just a matter of going up a size. You need to worry about things like your BMI, the
color of your fat deposits and whether you're an
apple or a pear. If you're a woman, you may dimly remember a time when b was for bikini. Fortunately, it still stands for bakery.
C is for Crankiness. C is also for crow's feet, cellulite, cholesterol and colonoscopies, all of which can lead to more crankiness. Even if you're a disgustingly healthy bike-riding vegan, you're not immune. (If I had to eat faux cheese and drink nut milk, I'd be hella cranky). In order to minimize symptoms of crankiness, try to avoid air travel, phone-bots, the Apple store and remote controls with 67 buttons.
D is for Diet. If you know what's good for you, you're eating a mediterranean diet – grains, olive oil, fish... It's easy. Just eat like a pre-fiscal crisis Greek peasant. You can go Greek or you can go the way of the twinky.
E is for Erectile dysfunction. That's medi-speak for impotence and pharma-speak for rising profits. Physicians refer to ED as a canary in a coal mine because that dysfunctional dirty birdie is often the first sign of heart disease and diabetes.
F is for for Feet. And you thought you could walk all over them for years without suffering any consequences. Get ready for fallen arches, neuromas, plantar fasciitis and the dreaded hammer toe, proof that even if your toes are permanently crossed, there's no guarantee luck will come your way. (Ladies, toe cleavage is only sexy to a
foot fetishist: No one wants to see your gnarly piggies. Just be happy you never had to wear the kind of fuck-me shoes young women favor today. By the time they're your age, their feet will be a freak show.)
G is for Gut feelings. Not the figurative kind you get when your old boss is replaced by a 25 year old or your daughter brings home a guy with neck tattoos. The literal kind you get from eating fried foods, pizza, Chinese takeout, barbecue, and pretty much anything else that tastes even remotely good. (If you've never heard of GERD, there's still time to order the large fries.)
H is for Hypertension (also known as high blood pressure). Risk factors include age, family history, certain chronic conditions, lack of exercise, obesity, teenagers and waiting for the COMCAST man.
I is for Invisibility. If you are a 45+, female and not Oprah, you might as well be wearing Harry Potter's magic cloak. The only people who can see you are your kids when they want money, your husband when he wants food and your boss when he suddenly realizes he could hire two kids for what he's paying little old you. Otherwise, you're invisible, so feel free to have another cupcake, wrap yourself up in a cozy mint green snuggy and catch up on the latest episode of GLEE.
J is for Joints. Not the fun kind from the old days. The kind you have to replace after fifty some years of arduous activities like walking from the couch to the refrigerator. Orthopedists can now fit you with a prosthetic hip, knee, shoulder, ankle, wrist, finger or toe. Me, I'm holding out for the full body replacement. Just hope my hot new bod will work with my tired old mug.
K is for Knees. (See Joints) Be knice to your knees if you know what's good for you. All those step classes you took in the knineties come back to haunt you in your fifties.
L is for 'Letting Yourself Go". Sadly, you're not going anywhere good like Paris or Ipanema. You're going, colloquially speaking, to Hell. Too much gin, not enough gym, life with a capital L. (Maybe L should be for Life.)
M is for Menopause. I am not gonna talk about it because everyone else is. A quarter century after becoming the first generation to give birth, Boomerettes are now the first generation to go through menopause. Or at least to write about it ad-nauseum. I prefer how they dealt with 'the change' in my mother's generation. Grin, bear it, and carry a fan.
N is for Nose hairs, a mostly male concern. Ditto, ear hair, which grows in inverse proportion to the hair on your head. Ladies, stop gloating and go take a close look at your chin.
O is for Osteoporosis, revenge of the solidly built woman. Fine boned skinny ladies tend to be at risk, especially if they are Asian or Caucasian, like Sally Field. Poor Sally. Those bird bones may have kept her aloft as a flying nun, but now she has to take Boniva so her skeleton won't snap.
P is for Prostate and Prolapse. Don't ask or I'll have to tell you about
Pessaries and Penile Prostheses.
Q is for questions to ask your doctor. Here's why the doc's always running late: Doctor Discussion Guides. Pharmaceutical companies love them. Making sure people 'talk to their doctor' helps them stay on the FDA's good side while nudging folks into asking their physicians if Doznothingatol XR could be right for them. So keep leafing through that 6 month old issue of People, because the guy ahead of you needs to ask the doc if Lotsasyde FX could be right for him.
R is for Ranting which is comorbid with crankiness. There are so many things to rant about. Bicyclists who ride two or three across so your car can't pass them. Congressional inertia. Back fat. Smartphones. Stupid people. And of course, medical bills.
S is for Sex. I'm all for it myself. If you're still kicking and still getting your kicks, good for you, however ancient ye may be.
T is for Tinnitus. Yes, Boomer boy, this is what you get for spending your musical youth standing next to the speakers. Who needs more cowbell when your ears ring all the time?
U is for uvula. What could possibly go wrong with my uvula, you ask? Not much. In fact, chances are it's the only part of your body that still looks as good as ever. Probably because all it does is hang out. Cherish your uvula. It won't give you any trouble, no one cares if it sags, and it comes in handy in Words With Friends when you're stuck with a couple of U's.
V is for Vision and I don't mean wisdom, perspective or creativity. Nuh-uh.
Bifocals. Trifocals. Complaining about out-of-focus movie subtitles when the real issue is your out-of-focus
eyeballs. Dislocating your shoulder trying to read a menu. Realizing that you miss seeing with the naked eye more than you miss looking good naked.
W is for Work, as in getting work done. No, not as in staying late at the office. Work as in face lifts, nasal sculpting, chinplants, dermabrasion, tummy tucks, lip plumping and boob jobs. When you hear someone is "getting some work done" and you don't know for a fact that the recession ate their retirement, it means they're having plastic surgery. Feeling bitter 'cause you can't afford face-freshening? Try this. The first time you see Penny Plastic post-surgery, say nothing. Not "you look great", not "did you do something different to your hair?" Not a word. Just carry on as though your old friend hadn't morphed into Joan Rivers overnight. It will drive her nuts. If she announces that she's had work done, smile and respond "Really? I can't tell." This will send her into a schizophrenic state, bouncing between relief that you can't tell and wondering why she bothered. Karma's a bitch, and apparently, so are you.
X is for Xylophone. It's been that way since before you learned to read.The reason you can remember that is, your long-term memory is still good. It's the short-term memory that's going.
Y is for Yoga. Don't you feel better already? OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOmmmmmmmmmm.
Z is for Z. Maybe you're a man getting up 6 times a night to pee. Or a woman with night sweats. Or a middle aged human of either gender with leg cramps, sleep apnea or restless leg syndrome. Regardless, you can forget about zzzzs. Z is about as much sleep as you can count on.
