Guidelines for Taglines

Well, I did it again – blathered online to a perfect stranger and ended up with a blog post.

A lady in Women in Consulting, a networking group I belong to, emailed the following question to the WIC community at large:
I am looking for guidelines or best practices in designing a "tag line" or phrase that describes a company at the highest level. If you have suggestions or sources for such guidelines, please send them along.

I wanted to help her, but more than that, I wanted to help the unfortunate copywriter who might have to toil under someone who believes there are rules to this sort of thing. So I wrote up this nifty guide to writing taglines:

While there are no specific rules to writing taglines, there is a process. The actual tag line writing just requires a talented writer with an agile mind. The important work is strategic, and that happens before you ever think of a tag line. You have to consider:

• The size and focus of your company. If you have a very focused, b-to-b type business with a limited array of products and services, you might want to have a really hard working, granular tag line that says exactly what you do. You're small. You're not going to have to fold a huge array of products under one tag. Your advertising budget is limited and your tagline needs to work extra hard. Lets say you make latex surgical gloves and that's it. So you end up with something like The hospital glove people or Your patients are in good hands. (Tell your inner critic to stuff it. Not writing actual tag lines here, just giving examples, OK?) But what if you are making the leap into other surgical accessories? Then, you might want a more general line about your surgical expertise. Nothing else can cut it. Perhaps your business plan is to expand into other latex products, in which case your strategy might be about all things latex. You are Experts in Latex. No, that sounds too much like Perverts in Leather– but you get the idea.

• What if your company is enormous? At that scale, your tagline has to be more of a topline statement. Perhaps it's a positive spin on what you do – Disneyland. The happiest place on earth. GE. We bring good things to life. Another way to go might be a call to action – Just do it. Obey your thirst. Or a promise. You're in good hands with Allstate. We try harder. Note how you can stick the NIKE and GE lines on just about anything those companies make and they'll work. The important thing is to have an umbrella line that evokes some kind of emotion and still manages to mean something. Just do it is motivational. It tells you to get off your butt, but it also believes you can succeed. Perfect for sports stuff. We bring good things to life is comforting, almost cozy. Note the use of "good" and "life" in one sentence. It subconsciously evokes the phrases "Life is good," or "the good life." Just right for appliances.

• Product benefits Are your latex gloves so sensitive surgeons feel like they're operating with their bare hands? The healing touch. Or Because nothing should come between you and your patients. (Again, just illustrating a point, not saying these are great. Great, I charge for). The benefit is one way to go, but another one is a pain point. Are your hospital gloves less likely to break? Strong hands for Surgery. On the other hand, don't try to shoehorn more than one or two benefits into a tag line. Strong, yet delicate is fine for your gloves - two benefits, but it kind of works because there is some tension in the fact that strong and delicate are opposites. Strong, delicate, and available in six yummy pastel shades, on the other hand, is no longer a tagline. It's a cut line for a catalog photo.

• Your competition. Do you have an indisputable advantage - are you better, stronger, smaller, more portable,easier to fix, less breakable, more cost effective etc.? (Make sure the advantage you choose to lead with isn't some small technical thing that is meaningless to the end-user. Nobody cares if your surgical gloves come with an extra finger). If you have an edge over your competition, use it. Is your advantage temporary because the other guy is coming out with the same thing next year? Then, you might want to proactively own that benefit, so that your competitor is a me-too by the time they roll out their product. If you choose this route, you need to be able to spend, spend, spend before your competitor's launch. Also, don't just look at your competition from a product standpoint - look at what they are doing creatively. Make sure your line doesn't take the same position as, or sound too similar to, theirs.

• Your target. Whether you're targeting consumers or other businesses, shell out for some focus groups. You just might be surprised at what you learn. What are the perceptions of your product? Your competition's product? What are the top pain points? It's conceivable you might hear your future tag line come out of someone's mouth! If possible, invite your writer to the focus group and pay her for her time. If she's any good, she's strategic, and she'll want to attend. If she's REALLY good, she won't even mind suggesting a tag line that emerged fully formed from the ramblings of a focus group participant.

• Your budget. The less money you have, the harder your line needs to work. Fluff is not for the faint-of-budget.

• Tone. Attitude can be great or completely wrong for the product, target or category. Nobody wants a catheter with attitude, but a snack food? Why not? Humor can be endearing or a huge mistake. Just remember, it has a short shelf life. Bragging about the fabulosity of your product or company is a no-no unless you bring it back to the consumer. GE's We bring good things to life may seem like bragging if you look at it just using your left brain, but switch on your right brain and you'll discover that line is actually about the end user. We all have a life, we can all use toasters or cell phones.

Career Advice from an Ad-broad.

Hey, kids. Just got carried away on linked in when someone put out an APB for advertising career advice. Then, it occurred to me that maybe I know something, so I'm gonna share. Here, in no particular order, are a few pointers for your survival.

Learn to keep your mouth SHUT. I learned this the hard way in my early thirties. I was a gossiping fool. No more.

Beware of sociopaths. There are a few out there that stay on the right side of the law and will stab you in the back for their own amusement. I've only met one, but I still have the scars.

Watch out for people who present themselves as the most down to earth, outspoken person in the room. That may mean they are keeping it real or it may mean they are playing you because they know your type. The "what you see is what you get" player is the most dangerous workplace con artist there is. See sociopaths.

Don't be afraid to say what you think, but get the lay of the land first. If you are working for someone who surrounds himself with yes people, you may have to keep your mouth shut. If you are working for someone who invites opinions from the staff and sometimes acts on them, keep that job!

When you get a new head honcho, watch who's kissing his/her fanny and how he/she takes it. If the boss is susceptible to flattery and all the sleazeballs and slackers are suddenly golden, get the hell out of there as fast as you can. You've entered the bizarro world.

Be nice to everyone, from the receptionist on up. Maintain a team spirit and positive attitude.

Learn to apologize. People appreciate it, you'll feel better and it helps keep your ego in check.

Keep your ego in check! Get over yourself- everyone else already has.

Don't indulge in the idiotic "us vs.them" mindset with your account people. You're better off befriending them. They'll find you entertaining, and you will appreciate an occasional reality check from a level headed account person.

Take your deadlines dead seriously. Pretend you will have to commit Hari Kari if you blow one.

Don't do the chronically late thing. No one is that special, except maybe the owner of the company.

Try your darnedest not to lie - in business and in life. Liars almost always get caught because they forget what they said and to whom. One exposed lie and your credibility is tainted forever.

Spare everyone the name dropping of glamorous agencies you've worked for. Guess what? No one cares, and you're not there anymore. Which doesn't mean you can't share a good war story.

If you're funny, great. If you're always the funniest person in the room, take it down a notch. (Cracking wise is like Tourette's to me and I am always checking myself so I don't start riffing)

If you're cute, young and female, lucky you. That's an extra trick in your arsenal. Just don't dress like the office sex pot. Older women will resent you and men won't take you seriously. Trust me, unless you come to work in a burka, people already know you're attractive. Save the tube top and butt-grazing mini for Saturday night.

Don't dominate the meeting unless it's your show. Disagree diplomatically.

Never get drunk at the office Christmas party, or any other professional function. Nobody ever forgets the girl whose strapless dress fell down or the guy who puked on the boss' shoes.

Watch the line between gallows humor and a negative attitude, and don't cross it.

Don't call in sick when you are not. You'll get found out. I know a guy who lost his job because he forgot he'd already killed off his uncle. I know another guy who "caught" what one of my female colleagues had been out sick with. Only problem was, some of us girls knew the real reason our friend couldn't come in: killer menstrual cramps!

If you have young children, suck it up and find a way to sometimes stay late or come in on the weekends, even if you have to bring your spawn with you. Childless people resent being the default slave because the breeders have to go to all their kids' soccer games and it really isn't fair. (I have kids btw and I lived by this when they were little.)

If you're gonna cry, go to the ladies room. If you're gonna yell and throw things, don't.

FOR MANAGERS ONLY:

If you supervise people, remember to handle them individually. Some thrive on praise, others on intimidation, still others want and deserve a more egalitarian approach. Always temper criticism with praise unless you are dealing with the slacker from hell. Give people a second chance, explaining clearly where they are falling short. Then, if they don't get it together, don't be a wimp. Get rid of them. Yes, it's a tough economy, which means there's someone really deserving out there who needs that job and will give it the attention it deserves.

Never cuss out or humiliate people, unless you truly covet the title of office douche bag.

Give credit where credit is due. If you head a team, don't just bask in the glory of their work. Tell others who the shining star was. It's fair, and it endears you to the troops. Stand up for your people if they are being maligned or treated unfairly.

If you are the creative director, act like one. You are not competing with your team. You are inspiring them to greatness, or at least greater competence. If you're all working on a big pitch, it's your job as creative director to pick, tease out and hone the best idea - which may not be YOUR best idea. Being a pig about this is the quickest way to turn your staff against you. Keeping all the TV or other plum jobs for yourself is porcine behavior as well.

Be open to other opinions. It's actually possible you might be wrong.

Don't dance around substance abuse. If someone has a drug or drinking problem, do the HR thing. Warn them, send them to rehab if necessary. They are sick and need help. If, however, the situation continues after the intervention, keeping them makes you an enabler. Do them a favor,and let them go. It could just the come-to-Jesus they need.

Liberally consult people with an expertise different from yours.

Know how long it should take to do a job and keep an eye out for dawdlers. Time dumping is not cool.

Respect the damn hierarchy. Yes, people under thirty, this means you. Even if your boss is an idiot. Don't go over your boss's head unless you have a true HR issue like harassment. No matter how friendly you are with your supervisor, he/she is the boss of you.

Patriotism is not enough.

Dear Presidential Aspirant,

I don't need you to start off your speech with how much you love America. We all love America. All of us involved in the political process, donkey or elephant, are engaged in it because we love America. Your implication is clear: only you and your present company truly love America and you are gathered here today to defend her from the rest of us. Which is a crock.

Here's what I want from my politicians, especially would-be presidential candidates.

Dignity and decency. If you are having extramarital sex, writing lewd emails to underage male pages or creating blackmail fodder for yourself by doing the nasty on film, guess what. It will out. It always does. You could bring down your party along with your sorry behind. Don't run for anything. Well OK. Run for for cover. The Enquirer's coming.

You have to be smarter than me. If I can see the gigantic pothole in your thought process, that is not a good thing. I am smart, but I am certainly not smart enough to be president. If you are not brighter than I am, neither are you.

The ability to think on your feet. No, I don't care too much about verbal jousting though it's fun to follow. I mean have a grasp of the facts and understand how things interrelate. If you are running for president or vice president, I expect you to know your stuff enough that you can go on Meet the Press, a right of passage nobody gets to blow off. This means you, Sarah Palin. And while I'm at it, darling, I want to thank you for inspiring this entire rant. Credit where credit is due.

Which brings me to honor. A quaint concept, I know. If you were elected to do a job, then do it. Don't quit after two years "for the good of your state" and then think you can run for president for the good of the country. (Sarah, are your ears burning?).

A knowledge of history. Because it's true that it repeats itself. No, of course not literally, but you see patterns of behavior, tactics that have backfired, cruelty, greed and hubris - all opportunities to learn and therefore act more judiciously. I want you to understand our allies and enemies. What they may owe us in treasure or gratitude, what we may have done to piss them off, how we get along with their rivals, what our balance of trade is, what kind of a human rights record they have, whether they're in bed with people we don't like... I want you to already know all this. That would indicate that you are truly intellectually committed to Presidential leadership. You're INTERESTED in this stuff.

Personal experience with diversity. Know and interact with people who are culturally, sexually and ethnically different from you, and have friends and acquaintances from other nations. It's essential to factor in cultural relativity when you conduct foreign policy. It's also important that you don't perceive yourself as the leader of only the part of America that looks and thinks like you. In your heart, you must understand that you represent everyone.

Class. Of course, it would be nice if you had some. But I'm talking about class as a barrier to advancement and a predictor of poverty. You need to know how much people struggle, and care about it deeply. The fact that there are children in America who miss dinner on a regular basis should enrage you.

I know you're going to spin things - you're a politician. So spin away, but I ask that everything you say be grounded in truth. Don't ever lie to me or lie about your opponent. You will earn my lasting contempt.

It's important to me that you not think your candidacy is divinely ordained. People who "know" what God thinks or wants terrify me, and I certainly don't want one running the country. Whether or not you believe is your business and something only you would know.

I need to be sure that you are motivated by what's good for this country, not what's best for you.

Finally, can you look in the mirror and believe that you are up to the task of running the most powerful nation in the world? If that's not the case, then why are you running? And how much can you really love America?

God in the cross hairs

Lately the weather has not been fabulous. It's what's known here in the Bay Area as the rainy season. Days upon days of endless drizzle. Well, no, not quite: On a good day, some time between noon and two o'clock, the sky is suddenly swept clear of clouds, the sun shines gold on everything and... on, false alarm. The clouds are back. Anyway, you can't really plan a hill walk under those circumstances, because you could find yourself slipping precariously down a muddy incline and teetering at the top of an impressive drop off. So instead of my usual walking meditation in Briones Regional Park, I decided to drive over to the top of Berkeley, park the car and walk the neighborhood at the crest of the hill.

This entails strolling through a nice sixty year old neighborhood, past the Lilliputian Sculpture Garden, and up short, steep incline to the Pacific Lutheran Seminary. It's the back entrance: You walk in through a carport and there's a little latched gate. The Seminary is small and unassuming, despite its choice hilltop location. The views are mostly obstructed by trees, but it's quite possible that from the Manor house, visiting clergy can look out the window and see San Francisco Bay on one side and on the other, the verdant hills of Tilden Regional Park.

Anyway, it's quiet up there. There's an asymmetrical (aren't they all?) modern church at the top of the hill. It starts out ugly but grows on you over time. Sometimes I try to open the door to check out the architecture from the inside, but it's always locked.On occasion I might encounter another dog walker or a couple of small boys but it's rare that I see an actual seminarian. I do have an idea of their mindset, though. They are inclusive,tolerant souls. Last election, they had a lot of signs up condemning prop 8. One beatup old car had a bumper sticker that read "God wants faithful fruits, not religious nuts."

It's peaceful up there at the Pacific Lutheran Seminary. I'm a die hard agnostic, but I can sense the kindness and generosity of spirit that pervades the place. And so, as I cut through their modest campus yet again, I can't help but think to myself, these are not the kind of people who would approve of putting bible verses on the cross hairs of a rifle.

It's scandal enough that the Michigan-based Trijicon arms company is endangering the lives of our soldiers by encoding bible verses in their view finders. Reflect on Corinthians as you blow Mahmoud's head off in the name of Jesus Christ. Think it's harmless, maybe even inspirational? Trijicon probably does. Their themeline is "Brilliant Aiming Solutions." How sterile, how bloodless, how slick. But consider this: we are using Jesus rifles to train the Afghan Military. Be grateful that nation has 10% literacy or they would have already turned those rifles against our guys. Just what Bin Laden needs to fuel his propaganda. Proof, to his mindset, that we are crusaders waging a religious war. What is this communicating to our Christian soldiers? That they are killing in the name of Christ? What about our Jewish or Muslim soldiers? Should they be proselytized to as they risk their lives, just because they've been issued a Jesus rifle?

And what about poor Jesus? How is it right for his name to be co-opted by the military Industrial complex and used like some kind of peekaboo prize on a killing machine? What would Jesus do? What would he think? Who would he shoot?

It won't be long now

before there are more yoga teachers than students. And, contrary to the cliche, just because you can do doesn't mean you can teach.

Give me some skin.

I think I'll make a deal with my son, just to get him to drop the whole tattoo argument. He's not 18 yet, so we still have 15 months before he goes all human canvas on us.

Here's the deal: you can get a tattoo now if your parents get to pick the design.

Dave and Stephanie and Regina and HR

I don't judge anybody by their sex lives. As far as I'm concerned, consenting adults can consent to whatever they want. Just please don't tell me about it. Still, I'm glad I'm not married to David Letterman, whom I never met despite having once shared a corporate suite and bleachers with him at the Indy 500 – entirely another story. Anyway, I suspect poor Regina Lasko, who waited the guy out for twenty years, has long made her peace with his philandering. It seems he likes funny, smart, nerdy girls who wouldn't be out of his league in the real world. The crew and production team must be crawling with them. So what's Regina to do if the Late Show women are there for the picking, like craft service M&Ms? As the old Irish proverb says, "What cannot be cured must be endured."

But that's all between Dave, Regina, Stephanie, the tabloids and only Dave knows who else. It's the work thing that bothers me. Some office romances are kinda kosher. Like Sam in Accounting and Jan in Human Resources. But the head honcho mousing around with assorted female staff members is completely uncool. Dave's ladies, however innocent or sincere, will have a red I-had-sex-with-David-Letterman-to-get-ahead on their foreheads for the rest of their careers. Women who won't play with Dave, or are too old, or otherwise not Dave's type will be bitterly resentful and despise Letterman - not really an emotion one wants to elicit in one's employees. Men will state ruefully that they can't get ahead at The Late Show because they don't have tits.

I don't know that any of the above is happening at The Late Show but on the work front I've seen it all. There's never any hiding these relationships. The couple smolder at each other, close a lot of doors, have too many private jokes. People notice, people talk. Incessantly. "What a lousy decision. Wonder if it was HER idea." "Did you hear Martha got promoted? Wonder if SHE slept with him too." "No, I'm not going to the conference. The boss is bringing her boy toy."

When employees conclude that the playing field is not level, they lose faith in the company leadership. The boss has proven him/her self all too human, and people start to question management's decisions. If the economy is good, intelligent employees may feel they have to leave to get ahead. Meanwhile, the slackers find it easier to stay under the radar or rationalize their lack of advancement. Bad for morale, bad for productivity, bad for quality control. There is simply no upside for an organization when the person at the top is fooling around with the staff. Unethical. Disruptive. Tacky. Really stupid human trick, Dave. By the way, did you notice that honey in the editing suite? A little broad in the beam, but I hear she went to Columbia.

Yes, I know, Regina. He makes you laugh.

Boom!

I just don't get this youtube video all my friends are posting. It's set to Dueling Banjos and stars a Caucasian rube (I'm a Caucasian - I can say that) who is about to demonstrate the efficacy of some home made fireworks in what appears to be his dining room. Instead of the discrete shower of sparks he promises, the guy makes a huge boom and startles himself silly. Except that when the boom cloud clears, he appears to be wearing a different shirt which I don't think we're meant to catch. This is not a genuine wack job, it's a dweeb with a twisted sense of humor. He looks like David Letterman's slightly unhinged younger brother who lives in their mom's basement. The twisted sib makes fireworks and wishes he had Dave's sex life – or wishes he could have sex for once in his life. (Don't start a rumor - I made up the thing about DL.)

Anyway, real or fake, I see nothing funny in watching someone risk burning down his house, possibly singe his face (or duck on cue?) and make a complete ass of himself. If this is real, it's tragic. If it's not, it's just dumb. Now let us put aside the idiotic specifics of setting off fireworks in your home and simply look at the fact that this person comes off like a complete fool. Why is that funny? Some people are accident prone or clumsy. Yours truly, for example. I have inadvertently embarrassed myself on more than one occasion.

Once, I was participating in an ad agency creative exercise. We were divided into teams and each one had to put on a group presentation before the agency and a panel of judges from upper management. We were pretending to sell some kind of software - the details elude me - and we had determined that the overarching benefit, the one that could serve as an umbrella for all the others, was adaptability. So I decided to dimensionalize adaptability and add drama to my part of the presentation. As I was making the case for staying agile in a changing marketplace, I pulled a ball from my pocket with the intention of throwing it at my creative director friend in the judge's panel. "And you have to (BALL TOSS) think fast...". Only my aim has always sucked, and instead of lobbing the ball at my friend, I spiked it into the lap of our frail and delicate head of account services who almost fainted from the shock.

Oh, I hear you laughing. Go ahead. Chortle away. I will maintain my solidarity for that terminally immature fellow and his home made explosives. Not funny. And even less amusing if they're shooting the video at his mom's house.

Got it.

All of a sudden, everybody gets it. You tell your kid to cut you a little slack because your other kid is having a crisis and you're told "I get it. You don't care about my problems." You start to make a case that you deserve a raise, or a break, or a job, and the person you are beseeching replies. "I get it. I just can't do anything for you right now." You want to call someone to task for their behavior and you get back "I get it. I was a jerk. " And then they change the subject, short-circuiting any constructive discussion to make sure said behavior doesn't happen again.

I get it is the new conversational reset button. People can use it to dismiss, reassure or mollify you, but it's always a way of taking control of the discussion. Sometimes, this is done because the person who gets it has no interest in further exploring " it" - the defensive I get it. Sometimes, it's to cut off whatever long and involved statement you were about to make - the preemptive I get it. Seems like everybody's so busy getting it, you just can't get through.

False prophets and false analogies

This inane controversy over the President's speech to school children was petty and paranoid and, yes, I must alliterate, pathetic. And yet it made me think. We on the left spent 8 years thinking of Bush as the Idiot-in-Chief, and now the far right sees Obama as the AntiChrist. Was this demonization and reverse-demonization?

I thought I might be on to something and perhaps we could all meet in the middle. This frivolous notion lasted all of 10 seconds. The truth is, one can build a lengthy and convincing case demonstrating that Dubya deserved to be dubbed the Idiot in Chief, but no logical case can be made that Obama is the AntiChrist– even if you buy into that superstitious concept.

Today, I was listening to a discussion about the war in Afghanistan on NPR. One expert was lauding the Afghans for their turnout in dangerous situations and the thorough distribution of ballot boxes in remote and difficult terrain. Another pundit tempered the expert's enthusiasm by pointing out that Afghanistan was a tribal society and people were voting along those lines. Nobody mentioned the low female turnout, with many women afraid to work the polls and other women kept at home for fear they might encounter a male pole worker. The one comment that struck me was by a professor, born in Afghanistan and raised here. How can we take this election seriously, he asked, when 90% of the electorate is illiterate? They are voting along ethnic lines, in response to bribes or threats or just because they like the look of the guy (no need for unisex wording here).

My sick mind immediately returned to the conspiracy theorists getting their panties all in a wad over death panels, Kenyan birth certificates and a traditional inspirational speech to school children. Yeah, they are literate, and they vote. But they aren't very smart. Stupid people vote, and it's right and fair that they should. Sometimes, they elect stupid people. That's democracy's Achilles heel, and it certainly accounts for the high number of bozos in the House and in the Senate. So yeah, compared to the poor, undereducated people in Afghanistan, our electorate is pretty sophisticated. They can read, but apparently, they don't.

That Vision Thing

As far as I'm concerned, the nature/nurture debate is over. All you have to do is reproduce and try your best to raise your kids. Just as you come to the realization that your children have inherited all your worst traits, you're hit with another epiphany: you're turning into your parents.

My father is quite nearsighted and has always worn glasses. Without them, he has that telltale soft, myopic gaze and is, if not helpless, definitely challenged. He is a physician and health-conscious, with just a touch of hypochondria, so he wears sunglasses – over his glasses. But because he fears that's still not protection enough against those pesky, cataract-inducing UV rays, he adds on little clip-on shades. Every day is a gray day in the land of Dr. Dad.

Then, there's my grandmother. As a girl, I found her spectacles truly annoying. No, not the frames themselves - the daily drama of finding the right specs when she needed them. She would start by asking my grandfather in their native French if he had seen her "glasses to see far" or her "glasses to see close" , depending on which pair had gone missing. Pretty soon, the entire family would be searching the house, the car, the beach or the restaurant for my grandmother's glasses, which somehow always turned out to be in the first place she'd looked, her purse. My mother does not yet need distance glasses (wish I'd gotten that gene). She only wears readers, but she makes up for it by losing them twice as often as her mother did.

Growing up, I found my father's redundant eye wear and my grandmother's daily vision quest incredibly embarrassing. Surely everyone was staring at my eccentric family, thinking "That poor girl. She's related to these people." Of course, I had 20/20 vision, and I wasn't about to hide my best feature behind a pair of shades. Five presidents and a digital revolution away from middle aged lucidity, I didn't know that with maturity comes a blissful lack of concern about looking goofy.

Fast-forward a few decades.

Don't know if it's from staring at a computer screen for a living, but my eyes went south surprisingly fast. Right around my fortieth birthday, the type on paperbacks began to blur. Menus in dimly lit restaurants became illegible unless I squinted like Renee Zellweger and dislocated my arm. I got a pair of cute little red 1.0 reading glasses which quickly became inadequate. Soon, I needed glasses to look at the thermostat, the dosage on the cold medicine, the needle I couldn't thread. Too vain to go full-grandma and get an eyeglass chain, I started wearing my readers like a utilitarian headband.

I had graduated to 2.0 lenses when I noticed an annoying development at the movies: The projectionists were all too lazy to properly focus the image. Tired of reading fuzzy credits, I'd duck out of the theater and bitch to the nearest theater employee. Eventually, I realized it wasn't the projectionist who had the focusing problem. I got my eyes tested and officially graduated to bifocals, which I have never gotten used to. When came time to change the prescription, I had the optometrist give me regular distance lenses. Now, I switch back and forth, just like grandma did. Sometimes, I too can't find my glasses, which usually turn out to be on my head.

It's when I go on my nature walks that things get really complicated. I need reading glasses for the trail map, sunglasses to protect my peepers and distance glasses to make sure whatever is causing that rustling in the brush isn't a mountain lion. The distance glasses give my vision a tantalizing clarity. I can see every leaf dancing in the breeze. But the glare can be intense, so I've resorted to wearing sunglasses over my distance glasses.

Just like my Poppa does.

On Hiatus.

I have temporarily lost my mind due to a difficult move. We had to move out on the 21st but couldn't get into the new place before the first. I had to schlep my non-laptop computer around and set it up in hotels so I could work. Now, I am in a new place, surrounded by boxes. My husband is grouchy because his internet's not working. My kid is nasty because he didn't want to move and is choking on his own testosterone. My daughter is having her 25 year life crisis a couple of years early and has decamped for the East coast. My supply of St. John's Wort has run out. The only sane person around here right now is the dog. Consequently, please bear with me while I unpack, clean cabinets, write hospital brochures and howl at the moon.