Good Mitt Hunting

"I don't line up with the NRA." Mitt Romney as a candidate for the Massachusetts Senate, 1994

"I'm not a big-game hunter. I've made that very clear. I've always been a rodent and rabbit hunter. Small varmints, if you will." Mitt Romney at a Republican fundraiser, 2006

"Romney doesn't look like anybody who hangs out at any of the places I might hunt." Steve Johnson, Teamsters organizer.

And there, in a nutshell, lies the problem. If you want to be endorsed by the NRA, by golly, you better look the part. A room full of taxidermy and a venison-packed freezer would be a good start, but considering the Romneys have seven homes, it's a tad labor intensive.

How about getting gun racks for all five of Mitt's cars, plus Anne's two cadilacs? Nothing says gun like a gun rack, except, of course, an actual gun. But Mitt's in campaign mode and it's tough keeping up with the gun laws from one state to the next. In a concealed weapon state like Florida, he'd have to figure out a way to hide his rifle, say by taping it to his leg under his suit. Problem is, the gun has to be loaded, so you can whip it out at will. (You never know when a black kid might cross your path, packing skittles.) That creates a dilemma over which end of the rifle should be up, as in would you rather lose a toe or a testicle. (Let's not forget what happened to Plaxico Burress. Then again, Plaxico was wearing sweatpants, and I'm pretty sure Mitt doesn't even own a pair).

So, short of packing actual heat, what can Mitt do to boost his street cred as an NRA supporter and killer of varmints? Wear a hunting hat! No need to change out of the suit – the hat says it all. Plus, there are so many creative designs to choose from, Mitt's only sartorial quandary will be whether to match the hat to his tie or his socks.

The classic model, with earflaps. Flaps are very useful when pretending not to hear questions about your flip-flopping.


You know you're a redneck when... you wear a hat that says so. (A tattoo would be even better. Someplace that shows even if you're wearing Mormon underwear.)Don't forget to hand out venison jerky at the rallies.

Just the thing for campaigning south of the Mason Dixon line. You can wear it when the redneck one is in the wash. And make sure you keep it on, because nothing says Yankee like a $300 haircut.


Show those sissy lefties what a REAL man eats. Possum, squirrel, deer meat, raccoon and armadillo. Also useful for pandering to both the meat and porn lobbies.

I call this one The Night Stalker. My friend Bill thinks it's perfect for hunting with Dick Cheney. Human in the headlights!

Full camo. Perfect for traveling incognito, while playing the piccolo. Actually, that's a duck whistle. Are ducks considered "varmints"?

Fool camo. Just melt into the underbrush and make like a moose. (This only works in places where the trees are the right height). Just make sure you're not in Sarah Palin's neck of the woods when you wear this one.

Hey, there, Buck-Head! Can be custom-ordered with real diamonds to reflect your 1% status.


This versatile little number can take the Mrs. from the hunt to the hoedown. Dress it up or down, but first, dress the venison!

The family that slays together stays together. Give one of your little granddaughters this adorable toddler hunting hat and she just might forget that you killed Bambi.