• The Account vs. Creative dynamic.
So passé, so old school, so unnecessary. Unless, of course, your shop is totally account driven.
• Art directors who will do anything if "it looks cool."
Me: Why are five words in the headline red? Him: Because it looks cool. Me: but you're emphasizing AND THIS IS THE. Him: Well write me a new headline with four words I can highlight in the same place. Me: Bite me.
• Creatives who think they're too good to do small, unglamorous jobs.
Shit work is good for you. Now get over yourself and go write me a BRC and three emails.
• People who can't make their deadlines.
It's a deadline-driven business. You have 60 seconds to get that through your thick skull.
• Art directors who don't sweat the type.
Just because you didn't come up in the paste up days doesn't mean your kerning gets to suck.
• Writers who confuse sex jokes with concepts.
Unless you're selling vibrators, save it for the locker room. Any idiot can make a sex joke. If I had a dollar for every dick joke I've made in my life, I'd be dictating this to my personal secretary while getting my toenails painted by my in-home aesthetician. (Full disclosure, no raincoat: I worked on an erectile dysfunction drug account for three years).
• Writers who can write headlines but suck at body copy and don't think it matters.
• Project managers who underestimate everybody's time.
I know copy is just content to you, but some of us still try to craft it.
• Proofers who are too busy rewriting your copy to notice the glaring typo in the headline.
• People who come in late every day, take two-hour lunches, and leave early.
Everybody sees, everybody knows, and everybody resents the hell out of you.
• Fakers who hang out at the office late so they can look like they're busy.
• Mommies and Daddies who leave at 5, no matter what.
A single and childless art director raised my consciousness on this one back when I had wee ones myself. If you must leave early, email the work to yourself, tell the boss you're working at home, and get the job done after you've tucked in the rug rats. And if there's a new business pitch, come in on the weekend just like everybody else. On the flip side, if you manage people with young children, and they promise they'll finish the job at home, what's it to you as long as it gets done?
• Creative Directors who hoard the good jobs, take credit for other people's work or always pick their own concept.
Like the guy I worked for years ago in the Midwest who did all the TV so he could spend the entire Winter in LA. Nice tan, asshole.
• CDs who don't know when to stop.
For some reason, this type tends to revise everything at 2 a.m. 8 hours before the pitch. Hey, Goldilocks, it's just right, right freaking now. Now leave it the hell alone before you turn it into porridge.
For some reason, this type tends to revise everything at 2 a.m. 8 hours before the pitch. Hey, Goldilocks, it's just right, right freaking now. Now leave it the hell alone before you turn it into porridge.
• CDs who make everybody work all weekend and just pop in for a half hour on their way to the gym.
•CDs and other managerial types who won't stand up for their staff.
•CDs and other managerial types who won't stand up for their staff.
"Sure, we can combine the heads from campaigns A and B and use the visuals from campaign C. Of course you can have it in 24 hours. Now what kind of dressing do you want on your salad?"
•AEs who treat creatives like crazy kids.
• AEs who can't write a brief.
• Territorial types who feel threatened if the client starts to bond with the creatives.
• Creatives who put someone else's work on their site.
No, you can't justify it because you resized the ad five times. If it wasn't your concept or design in the first place, it's cheating.
• Managers who agree to impossible deadlines.
Not only are you abusing the staff, you're training the client to think we can pull creative out of our happy place in less time than it takes to fry an egg.
• Anyone who flat out lies.
I was once in a large client meeting in which the agency President told the client our new account planner had been quietly working on his business behind the scenes for over a year. Unfortunately, the client read The Business Journal, in which the planner's hiring had just been announced.
• Manipulative phonies.
Sure, tell me I did a great job on a specific project. But don't come into my office and start the conversation with "you're so wonderful." Translation: you want something, it's due yesterday and I'm working all weekend.
• Agencies that enter work in award shows without crediting a creative who left the shop.
Better to have everyone know someone talented left your agency than demonstrate the douche-baggery that drove them out the door.
• Creatives who take themselves too seriously.
Your work, you should take seriously. Yourself, you need to get over.
It's only advertising, people. Slightly less disposable than Kleenex.
• Flattery junkies
You know the place is going political when all the biggest slackers and sleezeballs in the agency are chillin' in the new boss' office instead of sitting at their desks pretending to work.
• 45 year olds who talk down to junior creatives
You never know when you'll get put out to pasture. That tattooed little twit could end up being your boss. If you ever work again.
•25-year olds who don't understand protocol and hierarchy and complain about their boss to HIS boss
That clueless technophobic geezer IS your boss. The only time it's OK to go over his head is if you're being sexually harassed. Even then, start with HR.
• Strategy? What's that?
Do your research, know your target, and get the client on board. Because ultimately, when the work doesn't work, you're gonna get blamed.
• Executions that don't speak to the target because the CD thought they were cool
I once worked for a guy who always managed to turn everything into a sex joke - redickto absurdium. I called him on it at one point and remarked that a headline was off strategy. He smiled smugly and responded, "Then we'll change the strategy."
•Viral Videos that have nothing to do with what you are selling.
Great. It went viral. Just like monkey pox, hysterically laughing babies and the toilet-flushing cat. You're only a genius if that somehow translates to sales.
• People who think the words "social media" are magic and don't consider the target's behavior. Watch out for those self-styled "Social Media Experts" selling their wares on Linked In. Most of them are just rebranding themselves.
• Company presidents who do spec work for the same prospect for months thinking they are going to get the account.
I worked for a small agency that went under that way. The prospect kept dissing their agency of record and having us do "just one more test - we'll pay you for it." $300,000 worth of work later, they hadn't paid a dime. As it turned out, the prospect's agency-of-record had put all their work on hold because of outstanding invoices. He was spreading the debt around and had two other agencies on the hook. Nobody ever got paid.
• Creatives who don't understand the power of research and whine about attending focus groups.
Read the research. If you're lucky enough to go to focus groups (which are sadly going out of style thanks to online survey tools), take notes! There's no better way to learn how to talk to your target in their own language. Come presentation time, you can refer back to the research to justify your out-there concepts.
• People who are afraid to push back.
Wimpy CDs, mopey creatives, subservient AEs and other invertebrates.
• People who push back automatically.
By all means, if you disagree, say so. But make your case. If you can't explain, logically and coherently, why you disagree, then STFU. Unless, of course, you're the client, in which case you get to say things like "I don't know why I don't like it. I just don't like it. But don't worry, I'll know what I like when I see it."
• Adboys of all ages who think going out of town is an excuse to act like a pig.
Who do you think you are, the Secret Service? The Mad Men days are over, you're going to get an STD and we've all met your wife, you friggin' creepazoid.
• People who keep beating the dead horse when there's nothing left but bones.
•Sexists, bigots and religious freaks who expound on their beliefs in the work place.
Praise the Lord on your own time. And no, I don't think your jokes about women, gays, Jews and Black people are even remotely amusing, you fascist f*@k.
• People who pad their time sheets.
And that includes freelancers. Word to the wise, any manager worth her salt knows how long the job takes.
• Brainstorming sessions.
This is where great concepts go to die. My advice: Give them just enough so they think you know something, but keep your best ideas to yourself. You can explore and develop them later, when your brain is clear and the brainstorm has passed.
• Big Mouths
Just because it's juicy doesn't mean you should share. I know this from bitter experience, because I used to have a big mouth myself. Which is how I managed to bite myself in the ass. Never again.
And if someone tells you something in confidence, respect that. It's called being a mensch.
• Sociopaths
No, they are not all criminals. The smart ones have good jobs and find discrete, passive aggressive ways to screw people, because they can. Read The Sociopath Next Door. Trendy business books come and go, but sociopaths are always with us. The most effective ones position themselves as straight shooters and regular guys/gals, which will totally scramble your shit detector. Beware of women named Theresa: One of them is a sociopath.
CORPORATE BUZZKILLS
• Crap pro bono.
There are two reasons to do pro-bono: It's a great cause and you can do great work. The fact that the CEO's-wife's-college-roommate's-husband's-sister's-cleaning-lady is starting a business and wants free creative is irrelevant unless she's willing to stand aside and let creative have a good time.
• Proprietary strategic systems.
It's a ladder! It's a triangle! It's a matrix! It's a venn diagram! Every agency has one, but really, all they are doing is visually organizing strategic information. After all, account planners and account executives change jobs all the time. They don't have to draw the same pictures to reach the same conclusions.
• Tolerating substance abuse.
One official warning - that's what HR is for. Otherwise, you're just another enabler. I worked at a now-defunct midwest agency with a fall-down drunk VP AE. No matter how much he screwed up, management kept him on. His presence allowed them to rationalize away their own, slightly more functional alcoholism.
• The banquet table work set-up.
Line up all the creatives around a long table, out in the open, with no privacy or personal space even though half of us have ADD. No wonder noise-suppressing ear phones are all the rage.
•Typos in produced work.
Hire a proofer to check your damn website, people! Proofers are a necessary expense.
• The office basketball court.
Try writing technical web copy in an open set up while a ball goes thump thump thump in the background.
• Bonding through bowling
As much as people might love their coworkers, the odds of everyone wanting to bowl, white water raft or share a Navajo sweat lodge are remote. Especially if you make it mandatory that we all take the afternoon off and half of us have to work 'til 10 pm to make up for it.
Wimpy CDs, mopey creatives, subservient AEs and other invertebrates.
• People who push back automatically.
By all means, if you disagree, say so. But make your case. If you can't explain, logically and coherently, why you disagree, then STFU. Unless, of course, you're the client, in which case you get to say things like "I don't know why I don't like it. I just don't like it. But don't worry, I'll know what I like when I see it."
• Adboys of all ages who think going out of town is an excuse to act like a pig.
Who do you think you are, the Secret Service? The Mad Men days are over, you're going to get an STD and we've all met your wife, you friggin' creepazoid.
• People who keep beating the dead horse when there's nothing left but bones.
•Sexists, bigots and religious freaks who expound on their beliefs in the work place.
Praise the Lord on your own time. And no, I don't think your jokes about women, gays, Jews and Black people are even remotely amusing, you fascist f*@k.
• People who pad their time sheets.
And that includes freelancers. Word to the wise, any manager worth her salt knows how long the job takes.
• Brainstorming sessions.
This is where great concepts go to die. My advice: Give them just enough so they think you know something, but keep your best ideas to yourself. You can explore and develop them later, when your brain is clear and the brainstorm has passed.
• Big Mouths
Just because it's juicy doesn't mean you should share. I know this from bitter experience, because I used to have a big mouth myself. Which is how I managed to bite myself in the ass. Never again.
And if someone tells you something in confidence, respect that. It's called being a mensch.
• Sociopaths
No, they are not all criminals. The smart ones have good jobs and find discrete, passive aggressive ways to screw people, because they can. Read The Sociopath Next Door. Trendy business books come and go, but sociopaths are always with us. The most effective ones position themselves as straight shooters and regular guys/gals, which will totally scramble your shit detector. Beware of women named Theresa: One of them is a sociopath.
• Crap pro bono.
There are two reasons to do pro-bono: It's a great cause and you can do great work. The fact that the CEO's-wife's-college-roommate's-husband's-sister's-cleaning-lady is starting a business and wants free creative is irrelevant unless she's willing to stand aside and let creative have a good time.
• Proprietary strategic systems.
It's a ladder! It's a triangle! It's a matrix! It's a venn diagram! Every agency has one, but really, all they are doing is visually organizing strategic information. After all, account planners and account executives change jobs all the time. They don't have to draw the same pictures to reach the same conclusions.
• Tolerating substance abuse.
One official warning - that's what HR is for. Otherwise, you're just another enabler. I worked at a now-defunct midwest agency with a fall-down drunk VP AE. No matter how much he screwed up, management kept him on. His presence allowed them to rationalize away their own, slightly more functional alcoholism.
• The banquet table work set-up.
Line up all the creatives around a long table, out in the open, with no privacy or personal space even though half of us have ADD. No wonder noise-suppressing ear phones are all the rage.
•Typos in produced work.
Hire a proofer to check your damn website, people! Proofers are a necessary expense.
• The office basketball court.
Try writing technical web copy in an open set up while a ball goes thump thump thump in the background.
• Bonding through bowling
As much as people might love their coworkers, the odds of everyone wanting to bowl, white water raft or share a Navajo sweat lodge are remote. Especially if you make it mandatory that we all take the afternoon off and half of us have to work 'til 10 pm to make up for it.
