I don't follow Kim and Kanye and the rest of the Kreepy Kardashian Kapitalist Klan. But these folks are in my face every time I hit a newsstand and I have to wonder why. I know Kanye is a musical talent who was rude to Taylor Swift and stomped around the VMA awards swigging a bottle of the hard stuff while swinging his metaphorical dick. But what exactly has Kim has done to be famous and have a TV show? It seems she f*@ked somebody named Ray J. Easily the most lucrative f*@k in all of video-recorded history. Even my husband, whose pop culture references are about 30 years behind the times, knows about her "accidentally" leaked sex tape.
Anyway, I am a huge believer in consenting adults - straight, gay, plural, what'ev. I don't judge, I don't care. Just please, close the bedroom door and leave me out of it. So I've managed to ignore the Kim and Ray J. sex tape, the Paris Hilton sex tape, the John Edwards sex tape, the Antonin Scalia sex tape, you name 'em, I've skipped 'em. If Anthony Wiener ever makes one, I will make sure to avoid it like the plague. Or herpes. But now the Kim and Ray J. show is back in the news because Kanye and Ray J. are having a feud over Ray J.'s "kiss" and tell song, I hit it first. It being, presumably, Ms. Kardashian. So I decided, nice, intellectually curious middle-aged lady that I am, to watch IT, as in the tape.
It starts out with Kim wriggling on the bed like she can't get over her own boobs. She spends a fair amount of time wiggling – writhing would require more enthusiasm – while Ray J plays with his camera and who knows what else. My favorite part is when Kim's then paramour asks her to show him her ladybits and she demurs, whispering "I'm shy" in a Little Bo Peep voice. Now this, Alanis, truly is ironic. And then they have some incredibly dispassionate sex during which they appear to be voguing the entire time. Well, OK, the whole 90 seconds that I could watch it before getting too embarrassed and returning to my PG writing project. Anyway, I can testify that Ray J can vogue with a hard on.
I am not a porn connaisseur, but I've seen it a couple of times. Romance, grand passion and true or desperate love are not in the mix, but you do see people having, or at least pretending to have, a good time. The chemistry- challenged Kim and Ray J., on the other hand, didn't look like they were having much fun. When Ray J. asked if he could please see Kim's hoo ha, he might as well have been checking an item off his shot list. You couldn't tell whether these people actually liked each other, they were that opaque. I'm not convinced they were even getting off on being exhibitionistic. It was a performance, weirdly cold and not in the least bit romantic. Oh Brave New World, where you can get rich and famous for having bad sex.
I hope Kanye's having a better time than Ray J.
