The Water Sommelier

"You never come visit." my daughter complained, the last time she visited us. "You haven't been down here since my wedding." It's true. She and her husband have been to San Francisco several times since they got married, and she has also come alone, but I had not been to L A in a year. Anyway, it's nice to be wanted. My daughter and I get along famously. We both love food, art museums, people watching, and flea markets, and we like to laugh. A visit sounded like a lot of fun. Added incentive, an old friend from Cleveland was coming to Los Angeles that weekend for a conference. I flew down Friday night.

Saturday was museum day and after some debate, we decided on LACMA, the L A County Museum of Art. By the time we got to LACMA, we had to eat. My daughter may or may not be hypoglycemic, but she gets pretty cranky if she is not fed on a regular basis. We headed straight for the museum cafe. We ordered a cheese plate, perfectly sized for a couple of moderately hungry mice, but what really intrigued us was the water menu.  There was one featured water per page, with descriptive copy that I admit to not reading. But a water menu! Wish I'd taken a picture.

Looking up from the water menu, we noticed two 6ft tall, size 2 model-actress types in expensive casual garb, taking selfies together with abundant giggles and a large dose of self love. My daughter and I have no class, so we stared openly, shoving bread into our mouths to compensate for the skimpy cheese offering. Then, a muscular little man in a tight-fitting suit approached the models' table: The water sommelier. We tried to watch discretely – OK, fine, we gaped – as he chatted up the babes. Beyond the professional obsequiousness, he was enjoying his job waaaaaaay too much. I could have set fire to myself in the middle of the restaurant and I don't think he'd have noticed. Or watered me.  For a half an hour, he poured the two nymphs tiny samples of gourmet water, discussing the virtues of each variety in vivid detail. No food ever tainted the surface of that table, but the models got to taste 5 brands of designer H20.

Now I like bubbles. I am a sparkling water gal and have to be really parched to drink the flat stuff. I'll agree that size and density of bubbles is a nuance worth noting. But if water isn't carbonated, all you want from it is a cool temperature and no taste. Whatever that sommelier notices, I don't want. Mouthfeel?  Anything beyond wet would be a total gross out. Color? Transparency? Let's not even go there. Water should be neutral. Like Burberry raincoats. Or white rice.  Just my opinion, but then, I am not a water sommelier. Anyway, see exhibits a, b, and c below: