Career Advice from an Ad-broad.

Hey, kids. Just got carried away on linked in when someone put out an APB for advertising career advice. Then, it occurred to me that maybe I know something, so I'm gonna share. Here, in no particular order, are a few pointers for your survival.

Learn to keep your mouth SHUT. I learned this the hard way in my early thirties. I was a gossiping fool. No more.

Beware of sociopaths. There are a few out there that stay on the right side of the law and will stab you in the back for their own amusement. I've only met one, but I still have the scars.

Watch out for people who present themselves as the most down to earth, outspoken person in the room. That may mean they are keeping it real or it may mean they are playing you because they know your type. The "what you see is what you get" player is the most dangerous workplace con artist there is. See sociopaths.

Don't be afraid to say what you think, but get the lay of the land first. If you are working for someone who surrounds himself with yes people, you may have to keep your mouth shut. If you are working for someone who invites opinions from the staff and sometimes acts on them, keep that job!

When you get a new head honcho, watch who's kissing his/her fanny and how he/she takes it. If the boss is susceptible to flattery and all the sleazeballs and slackers are suddenly golden, get the hell out of there as fast as you can. You've entered the bizarro world.

Be nice to everyone, from the receptionist on up. Maintain a team spirit and positive attitude.

Learn to apologize. People appreciate it, you'll feel better and it helps keep your ego in check.

Keep your ego in check! Get over yourself- everyone else already has.

Don't indulge in the idiotic "us vs.them" mindset with your account people. You're better off befriending them. They'll find you entertaining, and you will appreciate an occasional reality check from a level headed account person.

Take your deadlines dead seriously. Pretend you will have to commit Hari Kari if you blow one.

Don't do the chronically late thing. No one is that special, except maybe the owner of the company.

Try your darnedest not to lie - in business and in life. Liars almost always get caught because they forget what they said and to whom. One exposed lie and your credibility is tainted forever.

Spare everyone the name dropping of glamorous agencies you've worked for. Guess what? No one cares, and you're not there anymore. Which doesn't mean you can't share a good war story.

If you're funny, great. If you're always the funniest person in the room, take it down a notch. (Cracking wise is like Tourette's to me and I am always checking myself so I don't start riffing)

If you're cute, young and female, lucky you. That's an extra trick in your arsenal. Just don't dress like the office sex pot. Older women will resent you and men won't take you seriously. Trust me, unless you come to work in a burka, people already know you're attractive. Save the tube top and butt-grazing mini for Saturday night.

Don't dominate the meeting unless it's your show. Disagree diplomatically.

Never get drunk at the office Christmas party, or any other professional function. Nobody ever forgets the girl whose strapless dress fell down or the guy who puked on the boss' shoes.

Watch the line between gallows humor and a negative attitude, and don't cross it.

Don't call in sick when you are not. You'll get found out. I know a guy who lost his job because he forgot he'd already killed off his uncle. I know another guy who "caught" what one of my female colleagues had been out sick with. Only problem was, some of us girls knew the real reason our friend couldn't come in: killer menstrual cramps!

If you have young children, suck it up and find a way to sometimes stay late or come in on the weekends, even if you have to bring your spawn with you. Childless people resent being the default slave because the breeders have to go to all their kids' soccer games and it really isn't fair. (I have kids btw and I lived by this when they were little.)

If you're gonna cry, go to the ladies room. If you're gonna yell and throw things, don't.

FOR MANAGERS ONLY:

If you supervise people, remember to handle them individually. Some thrive on praise, others on intimidation, still others want and deserve a more egalitarian approach. Always temper criticism with praise unless you are dealing with the slacker from hell. Give people a second chance, explaining clearly where they are falling short. Then, if they don't get it together, don't be a wimp. Get rid of them. Yes, it's a tough economy, which means there's someone really deserving out there who needs that job and will give it the attention it deserves.

Never cuss out or humiliate people, unless you truly covet the title of office douche bag.

Give credit where credit is due. If you head a team, don't just bask in the glory of their work. Tell others who the shining star was. It's fair, and it endears you to the troops. Stand up for your people if they are being maligned or treated unfairly.

If you are the creative director, act like one. You are not competing with your team. You are inspiring them to greatness, or at least greater competence. If you're all working on a big pitch, it's your job as creative director to pick, tease out and hone the best idea - which may not be YOUR best idea. Being a pig about this is the quickest way to turn your staff against you. Keeping all the TV or other plum jobs for yourself is porcine behavior as well.

Be open to other opinions. It's actually possible you might be wrong.

Don't dance around substance abuse. If someone has a drug or drinking problem, do the HR thing. Warn them, send them to rehab if necessary. They are sick and need help. If, however, the situation continues after the intervention, keeping them makes you an enabler. Do them a favor,and let them go. It could just the come-to-Jesus they need.

Liberally consult people with an expertise different from yours.

Know how long it should take to do a job and keep an eye out for dawdlers. Time dumping is not cool.

Respect the damn hierarchy. Yes, people under thirty, this means you. Even if your boss is an idiot. Don't go over your boss's head unless you have a true HR issue like harassment. No matter how friendly you are with your supervisor, he/she is the boss of you.

Patriotism is not enough.

Dear Presidential Aspirant,

I don't need you to start off your speech with how much you love America. We all love America. All of us involved in the political process, donkey or elephant, are engaged in it because we love America. Your implication is clear: only you and your present company truly love America and you are gathered here today to defend her from the rest of us. Which is a crock.

Here's what I want from my politicians, especially would-be presidential candidates.

Dignity and decency. If you are having extramarital sex, writing lewd emails to underage male pages or creating blackmail fodder for yourself by doing the nasty on film, guess what. It will out. It always does. You could bring down your party along with your sorry behind. Don't run for anything. Well OK. Run for for cover. The Enquirer's coming.

You have to be smarter than me. If I can see the gigantic pothole in your thought process, that is not a good thing. I am smart, but I am certainly not smart enough to be president. If you are not brighter than I am, neither are you.

The ability to think on your feet. No, I don't care too much about verbal jousting though it's fun to follow. I mean have a grasp of the facts and understand how things interrelate. If you are running for president or vice president, I expect you to know your stuff enough that you can go on Meet the Press, a right of passage nobody gets to blow off. This means you, Sarah Palin. And while I'm at it, darling, I want to thank you for inspiring this entire rant. Credit where credit is due.

Which brings me to honor. A quaint concept, I know. If you were elected to do a job, then do it. Don't quit after two years "for the good of your state" and then think you can run for president for the good of the country. (Sarah, are your ears burning?).

A knowledge of history. Because it's true that it repeats itself. No, of course not literally, but you see patterns of behavior, tactics that have backfired, cruelty, greed and hubris - all opportunities to learn and therefore act more judiciously. I want you to understand our allies and enemies. What they may owe us in treasure or gratitude, what we may have done to piss them off, how we get along with their rivals, what our balance of trade is, what kind of a human rights record they have, whether they're in bed with people we don't like... I want you to already know all this. That would indicate that you are truly intellectually committed to Presidential leadership. You're INTERESTED in this stuff.

Personal experience with diversity. Know and interact with people who are culturally, sexually and ethnically different from you, and have friends and acquaintances from other nations. It's essential to factor in cultural relativity when you conduct foreign policy. It's also important that you don't perceive yourself as the leader of only the part of America that looks and thinks like you. In your heart, you must understand that you represent everyone.

Class. Of course, it would be nice if you had some. But I'm talking about class as a barrier to advancement and a predictor of poverty. You need to know how much people struggle, and care about it deeply. The fact that there are children in America who miss dinner on a regular basis should enrage you.

I know you're going to spin things - you're a politician. So spin away, but I ask that everything you say be grounded in truth. Don't ever lie to me or lie about your opponent. You will earn my lasting contempt.

It's important to me that you not think your candidacy is divinely ordained. People who "know" what God thinks or wants terrify me, and I certainly don't want one running the country. Whether or not you believe is your business and something only you would know.

I need to be sure that you are motivated by what's good for this country, not what's best for you.

Finally, can you look in the mirror and believe that you are up to the task of running the most powerful nation in the world? If that's not the case, then why are you running? And how much can you really love America?