A Tale of Two Idiots

Mr. and Mrs. Idiot went to pick up their new 6 drawer dresser and were too excited/cheap to have it delivered. Instead, they let the store employees take out the drawers and load it, face up, in Mr. Idiot's van, with the drawers shoved in wherever possible. This, despite the fact the dresser would have to be carried down a flight and a half of stone steps to get to the house, and then down another 4 steps to get to the bedroom and should have been carried by strapping young men. I should also specify that Mr. Idiot is close to retirement age and healing from a cracked vertebrae and Mrs. Idiot is 5'5, middle aged and a wee bit soft in the biceps. The dresser got badly scraped from rubbing against the drawers and the roof of Mr. Idiot's van. Then, after a challenging trip down the stairs, the Idiot couple put the drawers back in... and Mrs. Idiot immediately broke the mechanism on drawer number 6, leaving it stuck halfway open. Now the two idiots, who apparently deserve each other, have to have the dresser picked up, repaired, and spot refinished and Mrs. Idiot must continue storing elements of her vast wardrobe in plastic drawers under the bed.

SEO...OHHHHH!...OHHHHHH!

According to Linked In, these are the key words, in descending order, that lead people to my profile. Swear to God I haven't edited this:

"Keywords that led to you:

13% Freddie

4% McKenna

2% Arlington graphic design communications

2% sex toys

1% McKenna

1% Addy li

1% joke ge

1% Freddie B

1% WHUR

1% joke li

So... I can't argue with Freddie, or with McKenna, seeing as that's my actual name. Freddie b is probably a reference to my maiden name, which starts with that letter. I've never worked in Arlington, but it is a suburb of Washington DC, where I toiled in the advertising trade for 12 years. I'll take Addy - I've won a few, though not since I went grey and ended up in the salt mines of health care advertising. Joke ge probably stands for joke generator. I suffer from Pun Tourette's, so I'll cop to that. The urban station WHUR is a former client. But sex toy? Moi?  I'm the kind of naif who thinks whipping is for cream, chains are for tires and Dildo is Bilbo Baggins' less adventurous cousin. I assumed a cock ring was an iPhone alarm setting until I drew a naked gay guy in life drawing class. (Well, cock-a-doodle-do and good morning).

So I looked at my profile, which I've been meaning to edit for the past 3 years, and I finally figured it out. Early on in my list of writerly attributes is the line "I understand tone and manner and would never use a sex joke to sell oatmeal to seniors." Bingo. Sex. Further down, I mention that I worked on Little Tykes Toys. Bango. Toys. Put 'em together and what do you get?

Busy.

I guess it really is time to rewrite the old profile.