If my son were stuck in a one-horse town...

...he'd get the horse to buy him some beer.

Wright Wingnut

So "them Jews" are barring Reverend Wright from talking to Obama. Thank you, asshole, for giving Rush Limbaugh ammunition for his outrageous attempt to turn far-right white supremacist Holocaust Museum killer James Von Brunn into an antisemitic leftist wack job. Hmmmm, there are so few of that type, and most of them are from Europe. Limbaugh would have been hard-pressed to find a poster-child for leftist anti-semitism in America, had Wright not presented himself like a suckling pig on a silver platter, with an apple in his mouth. Thank you, you unholy fool.

Republican DisSonyance

Huckabee called her Maria! Limbaugh thinks she's stupid! Gingrich says she's a racist! She's Sonia Sotomayor, Obama's first supreme court nominee, and she's warming the hearts of Hispanics and Democrats everywhere. Hispanics because they are justifiably proud of a girl from the projects who made good, and Democrats, because they think all that right wing bluster will alienate Hispanics from the Republican party.

So what does it all mean? Well, Ms. Sotomayor birth certificate says Sonya, not Maria, so Huckabee can stop worrying that his cleaning lady's about to quit. And while Rush Limbaugh calling anybody stupid is the ultimate example of the pot calling the kettle black, one does have to set the record straight. The lady was high school valedictorian, graduated magna cum laude and phi beta kappa from Princeton, winning their top academic prize, and went on to Yale law school, where she was editor of the law review. If that's stupid, then Rush Limbaugh must be a brainless invertebrate (no, wait, bad analogy... he IS a brainless invertebrate).

Still, it's fair to take a closer look at the quote, taken out of context from a 2001 Speech at (CONSERVATIVE RED FLAG!)...UC Berkeley. " I would hope that a wise Latina woman with the richness of her experiences would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a white male who hasn't lived that life."

Here's where the right wingers have a point. For a person whose job it is to weigh and measure and parse words, the quote is unfortunate. It lacks eloquence and clarity, and is too open to interpretation. Sotomayor does appear to claim that a Latina can make a better judgement than a white male, which is uncomfortably close to the notion that a white male can do a better job than a black one, or a Christian can be more effective than a Muslim, and yes, that is the kind of thinking affirmative action was established to debunk.

Now here's where Newt and friends are, depending on your tolerance for their world view, either misguided or full of shit. When Sotomayor talks about having "lived that life", she's not talking about race (and you can invoke la raza all you want, Hispanic is an ethnicity, not a race). She's referring to that great American taboo, class. We don't talk about class in America. It interferes with our mythology about upward mobility and pulling oneself up by one's bootstraps.

A judge who was a fourth generation legacy at Yale can't know what it's like living pay check to pay check, or getting evicted, or having a sick child and no health insurance. A judge from an underprivileged white or black background would share Sotomayor's perspective on how the law affects the working poor and the opportunities available to them. This is what Obama calls empathy.

Wolf-Boy

I hear the gray wolf has been reintroduced to the wilds of Wyoming. This could work out well for us, because my son is maybe one D and a misdemeanor short of a wilderness program and I'm thinking the wolves would make more effective parents than we seem to be. The kid should adapt well: he already acts like he was raised by wolves. He can't be domesticated.The heavy metal music he listens to consists of mostly howls. He's largely nocturnal, preferring to hide out in his den during the day. He travels in a pack and wolfs down his food. Perhaps, after his stint with the wolves, he might come back more respectful: Wikipedia says the cubs are very deferential to their parents. If his surrogate wolf-mom starts to give him constructive criticism and he accuses her of biting his head off, she might get mad and actually do it - unlike his real mom who mostly bites her own tongue. And just think how well vulpine parenting worked out for Romulus and Remus: They grew up to found Rome. Which beats the hell out of working at the Burger King.

A dish best served cold.

We ladies may live longer, but men age better. We get saggy, they get craggy. As usual, our culture sends out mixed messages. While Oprah and More Magazine celebrate femmes who are "forty and fantastic" or "fifty and fabulous," Hollywood continues to team up George Clooney, Harrison Ford and Jim Carrey with costars young enough to be their daughters.

One of the reasons Paul Newman was so beloved, besides his charitable endeavors, acting skills and legendary blue eyes, is the fact that he remained happily married to Joanne Woodward. Women of a certain age take comfort in his famous quote "Why should I go out for hamburger when I have steak at home?" The Paul Newman phenomenon had a lot to do with why so many women liked Elizabeth Edwards. The dumpy, frumpy cancer victim married to the perfectly coiffed, eternally cute man. The tragedies they endured together! The family values! The love!

Of course, all that went out the window when the world found out dear John had an affair, and probably a love-child, with Rielle Hunter, a skanky Lucinda Williams lookalike with overly processed hair. Even worse, the dalliance occurred while his wife was recovering from cancer and during what might have been a viable presidential bid. Had Edwards' candidacy taken off, the scandal could have cost him, and the Democratic party, the election, thrusting us into an alternate reality too horrible to contemplate.

Time passes. Tabloids move on. Cancer metastasizes. Poor Mrs. Edwards is terminally ill. She has three children and a husband she claims she's still - oh please! - "in love with". Her days with her beloved family are cruelly limited by her disease. And instead of making the most of the rest of her life, she's away on a book tour for her tell-all tome, narcissistically titled "Resilience". It's like Stephen Hawking calling his memoirs "Genius" or Giselle naming hers "Perfection".

How can Mrs. Edwards put her children, now all old enough to understand and be humiliated by their father's infidelities, through another media assault? Why would she leave behind a book that casts their only remaining parent in a negative light? In three consecutive interviews, Elizabeth informed us that "All she ever asked from John was that he be faithful." Repeatedly pointing out that she's an army brat, she describes her humble origins. They "never had a lot, but they had enough". Consequently, she "doesn't care about diamonds"- she just wanted her man to be true. Well, diamonds may not do it for her, but square footage is the girl's best friend. Elizabeth, the twins and John, self-styled champion of the underclass, live lavishly in a 28,200 square foot home, which includes a high school sized gymnasium where John can play basketball if Obama ever visits (highly doubtful).

So it's not like they need the money. The book puts John and his bad behavior right back in the spotlight, and Elizabeth's impending death will be the coup de grace to his career in public life. Apparently, revenge is sweeter than the eight year old twins. And John isn't the only partner in the Edwards marriage with character flaws.





Personally, I always thought John Edwards looked like a slimmed-down Bob's Big Boy. And unlike Paul Newman, he DID go out for hamburger...

Out of service

Today was a vibrant Northern California Spring day. The sky was an eponymous blue and the oversized vegetation preened in the sun. I was taking a brisk walk in the hills, the frisky wind refreshing my skin and my outlook. Suddenly, from a house a half block behind me, I heard an ear-splitting scream. "NOOOOOOO. NO NAP. NOT NAP TIME. NO NAP. NOT NAP. EEEEEEEEEEK! NO NAAAAP!" I sped up, trying to get away from the sound of some unseen, willful, angry little person with a set of pipes made for heavy metal. Alas, the road curved, and the wind was blowing in my direction. The raging child's voice followed me for an astounding three blocks. "NO. NOT NAP. NOOOOOOOO". I wondered if mom's ears were bleeding yet.

Nap time. Finally a reason to be glad I'm not thirty anymore.

Shameless Self-Promotion

On the off-chance that anybody reading this doesn't know me personally, I thought I'd let you know I have another blog.
It's more thoughtful, less snotty and has generally longer entries, on topics ranging from family issues, to politics, to life in Berkeley, California. If you'd like to check it out, simply go to http://eucalyptusway.blogspot.com/

lip-sinking to new depths

The above online campaign been stalking me for weeks. Somehow, I doubt the advertisers got Angelina's buy-in, and I really hope she sues.

Angelina Jolie has lovely lips, of course. They are large. They also have a distinct contour, a line that you can draw, because she comes by them honestly. Artifically plumped lips lose that shape and can look a lot like earthworms mating.



But this is the part that gets me. "Thin lips are ugly on anyone." Talk about tapping into young women's physical insecurities. Ugly like who? Kate Hepburn? Vivienne Leigh? Courtney Cox? Erin Burnett? All beautiful, all thin-lipped, all unimaginable with an outsized tumescent mouth.

When I was a girl, society gave Black women the message that their full lips were unattractive - which is racist and sick. I guess we have evolved a tad, since this ad isn't racist. Just sick. There are many ways to be beautiful. Black women generally have big lips, like the ravishing Beyonce, but that doesn't make sloe-eyed, slim-smiled Thandie Newton a dog. Angelina and Scarlett are pretty and pouty, but Gwyneth shouldn't have to wear a bag over her head.

This revolting ad is just another manifestation of our bigger is better culture - a culture that appears to be in its death throes as the economy snaps to like a pulled-taut rubber band. McMansions. SUVs. Bagels and muffins bigger than your head. Huge cocks and gigantic boobs and lips big enough to keep your nose warm.

The entertainment, advertising and fashion industries keep telling young women "You can't be thin enough". Unless, of course, the thinnest part of you happens to be your lips.

On G.E. stock breaking the $10 mark

Insight from my hubby, the stock trader.
"If you had asked people six months ago which was most likely to occur first, General Electric dipping below $10 a share or the rapture, most would have guessed the rapture."

At least we have more time to repent.

Puff Piece

The Michael-Phelps-caught-smoking-pot-story is a tempest in a bong. By now, most Americans understand that pot isn't any worse for you than booze. Personally, I'd rather have a stoned driver coming towards me at 40 miles an hour than a drunk one going twice as fast, hurtling across the median line. So what are we to make of this good old boy sheriff down in South Carolina, who had his men burst into a frat house, guns drawn, in search of an incriminating bong that might have Michael Phelps' DNA on it? It's a frat house, for heaven's sake. The surprising thing is that they DIDN'T find a bong. Michael Phelps had the discipline, character and athleticism to win 14 gold medals. I'd say he's earned the right to unwind and smoke a little dope.

It's time this country got over its hypocrisy and legalized pot. After all, it's a lot less dangerous than the grotesque binge drinking that kills a dozen or so college students each year. Most intriguingly, legalization could be a huge boost to our flailing economy by creating thousands of employment opportunities, including:

• Agricultural jobs for farmers and farm workers

• Retail jobs for dispensaries and eventually cannabis cafes, the smoker's equivalent of a bar

• Trucking and distribution jobs

• Opportunities for entrepreneurs who want to sell pre-rolled or packaged pot, or pre-fab brownies and other treats

• Refining, processing and packaging jobs for factory workers

• Research positions for scientists who would finally be allowed to investigate THC's pharmaceutical properties

• Marketing, advertising and design jobs to market the pot to adults, just as hard liquor is marketed today

Then, there are the fringe benefits:

• More time for the cops to go after bad guys

• More room in the jails for actual hardened criminals, who we could put away for a longer time

• Fewer lives ruined by incarceration for a victimless "crime"

• Less congestion in the courts from trials for pot-related offenses

• Less business for murderous Mexican drug cartels

• Less hypocrisy in society in general

• Less fodder for sleeze ball "journalists" who spend their times trying to embarrass people like Michael Phelps

Live long enough and you'll prosper. Maybe. If we ever get out of this hole.

Those long, elfin ears! Those diagonal brows! There is no doubt in my mind: Timothy Geithner is a Vulcan.

Eight Is Too Many.

"...I will follow that system of regimen which, according to my ability and judgement, I consider for the benefit of my patients, and abstain from whatever is deleterious and mischievous..." Excerpt from the Hippocratic Oath

Stand back. I'm gonna spew. I'm gonna be venomous and judgemental and not nice. Because Nadya Suleyman, the psycho woman who just had the octuplets, makes me sick.

For starters, there's the pathological Angelina Jolie fixation. Mom's had a nose job, cheek implants and lip plumping to make her look like the fourth runner-up in an Angie look-alike contest. She's trying so hard, I wouldn't be surprised if she had a crossed-out Billy Bob tatoo on her ass. And despite the lack of a Brad clone to mate with, Nadya's apparently determined to out-baby Brangelina. Except rather than pick a poor nation to adopt from, she's just given birth to her own third world country.

No one can accuse the Jolie-Pitts of not having the resources to raise their children. This bimbo, on the other hand, is divorced, with no apparent source of income and 6 other kids at home. Suleyman claims she'll be able to support everyody after she finishes "her classes". Until then, she'll be giving them "love". Which better be caloric, 'cause she sure ain't breast-feeding eight kids. And what classes, pray tell? Because flower-arranging isn't gonna keep 8 babies in huggies and onesies. As for love, does this cow have any idea what an ordeal the NICU is for a preemie? The needles, the blindfolds, the lack of physical contact and nurturing? The estimated tab of $400,000 per child by the time they're discharged? Does she realize premature babies are likely to have digestive issues that could require surgery? Or severe vision problems? Or under-developed lungs susceptible to respiratory distress, asthma and life-threatening infections? She's looking at six or eight thousand dollars per kid just for RSV shots, which preemies need to get through the cold and flu season - not to mention the cost of treating the inevitable developmental delays and possibly life-long learning disabilities. But who cares when "all you ever wanted to be was a mom"? You just have to share that love because it's all about you. If it wasn't about you, you wouldn't be getting interviewed on TV: you'd be in the NICU with your babies.

Nadya Suleyman intentionally conceived eight children with ongoing medical problems that will cause them pain and suffering and cost society millions. She has demonstrated that she is unintelligent, irresponsible and selfish - all terrific reasons to replicate one's DNA. Just what our overpopulated world needs - more stupid, self absorbed people, consuming and polluting. Most disturbing of all, this case almost has me agreeing with the pope. In vitro, in this instance, really IS unethical. The so-called doctor who agreed to implant the embryos could have refused on the grounds that it was medically dangerous. Instead, he took the money and created eight children with compromised futures to accommodate a crazy woman's identity issues. The doctor should lose his license. As for Pseudo-Angie, I hope her uterus falls out.