Get your house in order, Bee-atch!

Memo to Amy Winehouse:

You are not Billy Holiday. You were not born to a 13 year old, raped at 10, sent to a reform school run by sadistic nuns, raped again at 14 and driven to prostitution. You are not black, this is not the forties, and you do not have to enter clubs where you are headlining, through the back door. You are just a not-so-nice Jewish girl whose parents are still together and did the best they could to raise you. It's time to get the buzz out of your beehive and give the tabloids something more interesting to write about than your skanky, anorexic, illustrated ass. I say, get yourself to the nut house while you're husband' s in the big house. Add a piercing or three and see if Hot Topic will hire you as a salesclerk. Get right with God and reinvent yourself as a gospel singer. And if none of that works, could'ja please go self-destruct somewhere private and remote? I hear they grow opium poppies in Uzbekistan.